ID finally? Meow?

Meow.

I am full of lies.

LAST.

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Here is the beginning of my post. And here is the rest of it.

If you're here, it's because I fail at updating the "URL" field when I comment.

I've moved to:

http://axisofevil.net/~xtina/blog/

I'm a cynic, so this is useful to me.

naamah_darling writes about cynicism:

I am a pretty realistic person. I know that the world is a shitty place. Downright horrible. But I don't accept that it has to stay that way, and people who roll their eyes and puff diffidently and wave their hands and say "I don't know why that surprises you!" or "Well, that's just how those people think!" or "There's really not anything you can do!" fucking piss me off.

Usually I am cynical because I am overwhelmed.  I read about how this is sucking and that is sucking, and I don't know what I can do.  Being cynical is one part realism (as though it's news that people can be right assholes) and two parts defensiveness - "Don't get me involved in this, because there is no end to it and that is pre-overwhelming."

Which is... um.  Crap, honestly.  What matters isn't winning, what matters is trying.

One or the other.

I adore the hell out of Alara Rogers' comments.  She usually comments at Pandagon; today's gem of awesome is:

The fact that we only hear about drunken ex-boyfriends when they beat up and rape their ex-girlfriends is why we might think that a drunken ex would be dangerous to a woman, but telling women that they shouldn't trust men that they loved once... that basically boils down to saying "Men are evil." And you know, when people make the argument that men are evil I want them to follow through. I want them to admit that men should have a curfew and men should be restricted in their movements and men should be treated like dangerous animals. Because if women cannot trust men they *love*, as a matter of *routine*--if we can say, looking at a situation, "well of course she shouldn't have trusted him! He was a man, what did she expect? Even if they used to be lovers, hell, *especially* if they used to be lovers she shouldn't have let him into her home", then we also need to be saying "Men are dangerous animals and should be treated as such." You know, the way we treat pet tigers. But if men are human, if men deserve human rights, if men *aren't* automatically rapists, if most men can be assumed to be good people... then women should never, ever, ever be punished or castigated for trusting the wrong man.

Sweet Machine at Shapely Prose posts From the Archives: On Being a No-Name Blogger Using Her Real Name, and I want to pluck out a part of it for posterity:

'Cause the thing is, you and the guys you hang out with may not really mean anything by it when you talk about crazy bitches and dumb sluts and heh-heh-I'd-hit-that and you just can't reason with them and you can't live with 'em can't shoot 'em and she's obviously only dressed like that because she wants to get laid and if they can't stand the heat they should get out of the kitchen and if they can't play by the rules they don't belong here and if they can't take a little teasing they should quit and heh heh they're only good for fucking and cleaning and they're not fit to be leaders and they're too emotional to run a business and they just want to get their hands on our money and if they'd just stop overreacting and telling themselves they're victims they'd realize they actually have all the power in this society and white men aren't even allowed to do anything anymore and and and...

I get that you don't really mean that shit. I get that you're just talking out your ass.

But please listen, and please trust me on this one: you have probably, at some point in your life, engaged in that kind of talk with a man who really, truly hates women-to the extent of having beaten and/or raped at least one. And you probably didn't know which one he was.

And that guy? Thought you were on his side.

Wahahahaha.

Couple fight gender-neutral language in wedding license

"To the state of California, however, she is either "Party A" or "Party B." Those are the terms that have replaced "bride" and "groom" on the state's new gender-neutral marriage licenses. And to Bird and Codding, that is unacceptable."

I... can't stop laughing at this.

""We just feel that our rights have been violated," she said."

*dies laughing*

A small handful of links.

* "I'd hit that."

* Men Explain Things To Me

* Because You Have a Belly-Button

I no longer want children at all ever.

naamah_darling at Livejournal writes:

In 1999, a woman in Florida attempting to give birth privately in her own home was taken into custody by a sheriff, restrained by force, and delivered to a hospital where, while in labor, she was forced to defend her decision. The hospital sought an emergency court order to force her to undergo a caesarian delivery, and they won. I didn't hear about it until recently, but I have to say, I'm fucking appalled.

Feminism does not exist to make me *happy*.

So I'm at the bar, and the DJ-person for karaoke is doing What U Gon Do by Lil' Jon & The East Side Boyz.  Every time the lyrics called for "nigga", he'd say "brotha" or "bitches".  That once that the lyrics said "faggot", he broke out and said "I can't even say that".

"Bitches" and "hos", though, were perfectly valid.

*sigh*

Still ISO a good blogging thing.

This is the last worthless blog post that you'll ever see...

I may be lying about this.

This applies to any other separative thing.

It's a thought I can't well articulate, but it's been in my head for ages now.  It's this absurd idea that we're all human, under the gender veneer.  I'm not even being sarcastic about this-- well, not at this point, at any rate.

It's really absurd, because aren't we all essentially our genders?  We're Male and Female and That Freakish Other, right?  And then we're people.  So I have this vague notion that we're people first, and our genders second.  Gender being a social construct, and all.

I sometimes think this, when I want to feel like a real human being - maybe I already am, and the gender comes later.

And then I am full of despair, because for serious, how many other people think this?

Anti-homophobia list.

tigtog at Hoyden About Town reposts this list:

Notice: To all those who think Homophobia is wrong and want to fight for a better future for our gay and lesbian friends, please repost this:

• I am the girl kicked out of her home because I confided in my mother that I am a lesbian.
  
• I am the prostitute working the streets because nobody will hire a transsexual woman.
  
• I am the sister who holds her gay brother tight through the painful, tear-filled nights.
  
• We are the parents who buried our daughter long before her time.
  
• I am the man who died alone in the hospital because they would not let my partner of twenty-seven years into the room.
  
• I am the foster child who wakes up with nightmares of being taken away from the two fathers who are the only loving family I have ever had. I wish they could adopt me.
  
• I am one of the lucky ones, I guess. I survived the attack that left me in a coma for three weeks, and in another year I will probably be able to walk again.
  
• I am not one of the lucky ones. I killed myself just weeks before graduating high school. It was simply too much to bear.
  
• We are the couple who had the realtor hang up on us when she found out we wanted to rent a one-bedroom for two men.
  
• I am the person who never knows which bathroom I should use if I want to avoid getting the management called on me.
  
• I am the mother who is not allowed to even visit the children I bore, nursed, and raised. The court says I am an unfit mother because I now live with another woman.
  
• I am the domestic-violence survivor who found the support system grow suddenly cold and distant when they found out my abusive partner is also a woman.
  
• I am the domestic-violence survivor who has no support system to turn to because I am male.
  
• I am the father who has never hugged his son because I grew up afraid to show affection to other men.
  
• I am the home-economics teacher who always wanted to teach gym until someone told me that only lesbians do that.
  
• I am the man who died when the paramedics stopped treating me as soon as they realized I was transsexual.
  
• I am the person who feels guilty because I think I could be a much better person if I did not have to always deal with society hating me.
  
• I am the man who stopped attending church, not because I don't believe, but because they closed their doors to my kind.
  
• I am the person who has to hide what this world needs most, love.
  
• I am the person who is afraid of telling his loving Christian parents he loves another male.

Re-post this if you believe homophobia is wrong. Please do your part to end it.

This is a test. This is only a test.

Oh yeah.

Oh right.  Hello.

I'm posting this as a test.  LJ folk may see a zillion posts pop up.  If so, I apologise.  Something about RSS and LJ, you know.

Later, stuff about feminist this'n'thats.  While you wait, have the cutest duck story ever.

I have fitday.com blocked on every machine I use.

So I'm trying out this intuitive eating thing.  I'm not good at it, because the first step is coming to terms with the fact that I have to eat.  *annoyed*  Sometimes it works, though - this was my thought process while at the store the other... week, I think:

- Dammit, I should get something to eat for dinner.
- What do I want to eat?
- Not the usual pasta/rice crap.  The sameness is aggravating.
- I don't want a salad, though...
- I kind of want something chewy.
- Oh!  Chicken?
- Yes!  Chicken and mashed potatoes and corn and gravy!  Okay.

And so I got that and it was delicious.  Hm.

I'm reminded of this because currently I would slaughter whole computers for a thing of cherry-flavoured Jello, and I have no reasoning for this a'tall.

In other news, I said that I was no longer going to step on scales, since when I do, it goes poorly for me.  I have this thing in my head about trimming numbers down as far as I can, which is great for file sizes but really bad for my body.  I'm extending this to include "Also, I will tell doctor-folk this so they won't tell me my weight".  Because I'm smart!

pr0n.

I've been busy with life internal.

I just wanted to post here that I am apparently a crockpot thinker - I put a bunch of different ideas and facts and POVs in a big pot, let it simmer for a while, and out comes a conclusion.  Go me, &c.

Relatedly, today, I've deleted all porn from my computer, and have thrown out all pornish non-erotica that I own.  Used to own.

Yes, I used to own porn, though I didn't talk about it.  No, it no longer interests me.  The psychic cost was too high for me; the cognitive dissonance finally made itself clear to me.

I may post moar on this later.  In the meantime, back to organising my music.  Because OMG MediaMonkey.

Planned Parenthood.

A brief note - if you're poly or bi or otherwise not-normal-by-societal-standards, and you need services that're provided by Planned Parenthood, I recommend the one at SE 50th and Franklin.  I went in for STI testing, since I'm dating someone new and I hadn't done it in a while.

• Their intake form has things like "What pronoun do you prefer?" and "What is your biological (at birth) sex?", which is amazing.  There may be better ways to phrase those that I'm not aware of, but they're a far cry from "Mr. or one of the three different titles for women" / "Male/Female", respectively.
  
  
• There's a sign on the wall next to the check-in desk that has "If you need an interpreter, please point to your language and one will be provided" in... 20? or thereabouts languages.  And it's not just for show: a family came in and requested Spanish, and the check-in person switched to fairly decent Spanish.
  
  
• The doctor was considerate - she helped me feel as comfortable as could be expected, she could tell when I was getting tense and checked to see whether I was okay ("I just get jumpy, it's a known issue"), and we had a nicely distracting conversation about the fact that they had a poster of the beach on the ceiling.
  
  
• ...they had a poster of the beach on the ceiling.  I am still cracking up about that.
  
  
• No one batted an eyelash about my being poly or bi.  The lab person had to ask a new set of questions (aside from the intake form), since I was getting an HIV test done.  (Negative, by the way - woo!)
  
  T: How long have you been with your current partner?
  X: ... Partners.  About 4 years each.
  T: *writes "4 years each" on the form*
  X: Heh.  I was worried it'd be weird...
  T: *laughs*  Nah, we've pretty much seen it all.
  X: Yeah, Portland, right?
  
  In fact, one question was whether I had a support structure, I suppose in case the result was positive.  I said ayuh, heh, the folk I'm dating.  She said that's definitely a huge benefit to dating multiple people.
  
  Yee!

Overall, a very pleasant visit to the local PP.  I approve, and am recommending them to (local) others.

Eh?

I haven't been here much.  Life got in my way, and I forgot.  So, in lieu of content today, go check out the 12th Carnival of Radical Feminists.

Follow-up.

I spoke with bartender 2 yesterday.  She also says that said asshole is otherwise on the up-and-up.  I told her that "on the up-and-up" and "persistently unwilling to hear me say 'go away'" are mutually exclusive, to me.  I advised her that this guy she knows has a tendency to be an ass when he's been drinking, and that that is not okay.

I don't recall having seen this guy before.  However, now I'll know to look for him in the future, the better to avoid him.  We'll see.

Sometimes it does get better.

I am so pleased by this.

Flanked by two survivors of sexual assault, one with tears welling in her eyes, Gov. Jim Doyle signed a long awaited bill Thursday that requires hospitals to provide emergency contraception to rape victims.

(Hat-tip.)

Apparently, "no" is a negotiable statement.

I went out to the local pub for a bite to eat.  My partner is... elsewhere (Texas?), and this guy I've been dating wasn't in today, so I almost didn't go.  I'd been sick, though, and wanted a bit of company and something-like-food, plus I'd just locked myself out of the house, so I went to the pub.

While there, I got hit on by this drunk guy.  He would repeat that I'm gorgeous, I'm gorgeous (after which I'd say "Thank you"), but he didn't go much of anywhere with that.  I asked him straight-out what he was looking for.  And so (assume long gaps between his lines and mine; he was very drunk):

G: I think you and I could have something together.
X: I don't think so.
G: Why not?
X: I am... not particularly interested in you.  If nothing else, I'm already dating other people; I don't think I'd have the time for it.
G: You know... that's bullshit.
X: Which part?  The interested part, or the dating others part?
G: The last one.
X: You're absolutely right.  I am not interested in you in that way.
G: [after fifteen years of him saying "But I'm good-looking!"] That's still bullshit.
X: How so?
G: I think you're interested.
X: Er... no.
G: See, you just smiled!
X: *eyeroll*  At any rate, my food has finally cooled down, so I am kicking you out so I can eat.

This prompted him to resist being kicked out, by any means necessary.  I could hear him gearing up for the "You don't own this table!" argument, with the backups of "You shouldn't be mean, I'm a nice guy!" and maybe "I don't mean nothin'!".  Erg.  So, I grabbed my food and coat and moved to another table.  He followed me.  I said: "I am done with this conversation, I would like to eat my dinner, and I have asked you several times to leave.  I am done, so please go."  He made some stupid "Awright, jeez" motions and moved off.

I asked bartender 1 whether she knew this guy.  "Oh yeah, was he drunk and talkin' shit?  Oh damn!  I'll have a word with him next time."  I decided that... I should not substitute her trust for mine, and I still didn't trust him.  It's not a slam on her, rather I still felt off about it all, and I deny enough things without doing it again.  While eating, I saw bartender 2 grab a guy and go to the side door (where the asshole'd left), and I saw said asshole standing there.  I couldn't see what was going on.  I wanted to ask the bartender, but they were busy, so.  (I asked the guy she dragged with her, who said that he thought they'd have to kick him out, but that wasn't the case.  He seemed sort of confused.)

I left out the side door (it was closest, and it had been 10 minutes), and I got a few yards away when I looked back to check for traffic and saw him waiting at the front door.

...

I called my partner and had him be on the phone with me.  I waited on someone's partially obscured front porch (one-way viewing effect) until he went back inside, then I went home as quickly as possible.  I am still mildly freaked out.


Things from this:

* I am very proud of myself for being direct and not feeling like I had to play nice to the guy.
* Regardless, I could do better.  As much as it galls me to say it, the asshole was right to call bullshit the first time - I wasn't interested, and my dating status has nothing to do with it.
* I also could've stopped being polite earlier on.  I knew where it was going, after all.  Stupid habits.
* I did not substitute another's trust for mine, and that is five kinds of awesome.
* I should have asked the second bartender what had been going on.  I could have waited, but I wanted to get home while I could.
* Go the hell me for not going directly home until I saw that he'd gone back inside.

Tomorrow, I will get incredibly enraged that this is socially acceptable behaviour.  I will also have plenty to say on the ways he could have got me, if I were younger.  Likely, I will also include a bit about how he is absolutely not some statistical outlier.  Today, I'm going to go take some NyQuil and pass out.

PHMT

Portly Dyke writes Robbing the Hearts of Men: "It's long been my view that sexism and misogyny do every bit as much damage to men as to women."  Honestly, it's mine, as well.

SF.

The dangers of using Google Reader to read a slew of feminist blogs is it recommends new time sinks for me.  Today's blog find: Feminist SF - The Blog!.

This blog will likely have me wincing, because I love science fiction and don't really want to see the ways in which misogyny is a part of it.  But, ignoring things has never made anything better.

A sample post is New Amsterdam, Old Tune:

There's a guy. And he has this manpain owing to some gimmick or special character trait or WHATEVER. He's got a Quest or a Past or a Special Ability. Or he's just the Senior Officer around, even though he's not too old to do some Dashing Heroics, or too Othered to be privileged by default. And he's usually a cop or an investigator of some sort. To ground him, to stabilise him? (To give him someone to Talk Exposition At?) They give him a female partner, who may or may not also be of a different ethnic background to make up for his being white.

And she's all, You're weird, dude. How do you know so much? Let me learn at your feet and ask you what's going on and get involved in your Issues. Or maybe, I don't like you, or I wouldn't ask you for advice but I need you or you've strung me along and now I'm stuck with your Issues.

Stop buying that!

Via majes: